The Life Unlived

Self-actualization means fully living the life you are meant to live, right? If you are one who seeks to reach your full potential, you must continuously take action…seek guidance and allow this master plan to surface…to unfold.

What about in relationship? How can you self-actualize if you are part of a couple?? How is it that two people in a relationship can not just grow more numb together in order to stay together, but grow more alive together?

I guess each individual has to follow his or her potential relentlessly, while keeping the connection to his or her partner strong. It means letting go of control, attachment and expectation of your mate. When someone is truly in action to turn their dream into reality, they will not defer to anyone else’s agenda. I learned this recently in my own relationship.

Can you imagine, what you would do if you discovered the master plan that wanted to unfold for your spouse would take him away from you? Would you be able to give your full-fledged support and encouragement? Me neither!... At least not at first.

My husband and I recently discovered neither one of us was cut out for traditional coupledom…in other words, same house, nuclear family, same routine day after day, living on the same continent, etc. Just not for us.

If I had any choice in the matter, I would have prevented him from going…he wanted to start his own business…in another country. But I couldn’t stop him. In retrospect, I see it was a healthy step…his leaving. His decision to go for the life he was meant to live forced me to reevaluate my life and assess whether or not I was truly living the life that I was meant to live…(I wasn’t)…but now it’s moving in that direction.

Now that he’s living and operating his business overseas, I live how I want to live and do what I want. And, our partnership is stronger than ever. We are more professional with each other than we ever were before, and we respect each other more than we ever did before. I respect him for going for his life, and he respects me for the way I picked up the pieces and not just survived, but flourished when he made his decision.

Our newfound partnership is based on the understanding that we are committed to helping each other make it and appreciating each other for any little thing we do toward this goal. It means doing three things: acknowledgement, acknowledgement, and acknowledgement…oh, and following ground rules. Now that I’ve seen how expensive it is to not follow the rules, I make sure I follow them!

Navigating this new path was rocky at first, but it has lead to some very wonderful things, now I am closer to my goal of having an international business, and, also closer to the goal of spending several months of the year on the road, particularly in Europe. Spending the summer months on the island of Ibiza this year created an opening for the unexpected to occur. None of this would have happened if my husband hadn’t made his difficult choice.

Recently, I saw an inspiring example of a couple who is very much in love, connected and beautifully allowing each other to self-actualize while keeping the connection with each other strong.

Linda Overton, in a coaching session that occurred a few months ago, made the discovery and then the declaration that she was an entertainer at heart. She immediately went into action planning her one-woman show. When she went to reveal her plans to her man, not sure what response she would get, she was thrilled to hear these words come out of his mouth, “What’s my job in the project?”

She immediately made him her manager and he did a brilliant job of tracking ticket sales, keeping her on task and organizing team members. Instead of letting the new direction in Linda’s career threaten or alienate either of them, they let the project, or game, bring them together into the arena of play.

At opening night a few weeks ago, Linda gave an incredible performance to a sold out show, both she and Joe were glowing with love for each other. Thanks Linda and Joe for creating a new paradigm for self-actualizing couples!!!

Over the weeks and months ahead, I will share with you more of what I see that is working and what is not working in this complex dance…self-actualization in partnership. Please share your stories of other couples who are doing it!!

Dating My Husband

Last night I had a first date with my husband of five years. No that isn’t a typo…we really did have our first first date after all this time.

Since starting our business partnership eight years ago, then quickly moving in together (to cut down on ‘overhead’ costs for the business), subsequently tying the knot, having twins and moving across the country, we just never had the luxury of casual dating. And it’s high time, I tell ya!

Our relationship had recently become the neglected victim of a sudden growth spurt in our business. While attending to the day-to-day demands I had lost sight of the fact that our connection was not strong…not to mention the fact that my husband recently came back from a European training tour with a new vision, and renewed energy for our business…and I was out of the loop. Ouch! Every conversation where I tried to integrate our existing business with his newly established leadership only lead to conflict.

So, after a marathon session with my coach and trainer (and creator of the How to Talk to Men program) Martin Sage, I decided to go back to basics.

Martin recommended that I yield to my husband…not an easy step for an independent-minded American chick! I tell my clients to do that all the time. Why is it so hard for me?? He suggested I talk with my husband.

“I don’t know how!“ I said.

“Don’t you teach a class about that?” he asked.

“Oh, yeah.”

So when I called last night to ask my husband for a date, he suggested we act like it was our first date, and that we hardly knew each other.

Well, it was just about the most fun we ever had! We learned things about each other we never knew. I’m not going to get to graphic here, but it really did feel like the first time! We gave acknowledgements, positive feedback, told stories and created a team all over again. We found out we have a lot in common…in fact, his kids look exactly like mine!

When the thinly disguised veil of expectation, pressure and opinion were lifted it was amazing what came out. I realized how important curiosity is (and why it’s one of the top communication transformers).

With the absence of curiosity, our only choice is to listen to the rigid judgments lingering in the recesses of our shadowy ego minds. Past resentments fester and eventually harden into cynicism.

Going out on the first date with my man restored curiosity, lightheartedness and pleasure in our partnership. We still have a bit of a mess to sort out in some respects, but our heart and soul connection is healthy and totally restored. We will face the challenges together. My body, mind and emotions are at peace again.

We’re both looking forward to the second date! Anyone know a good babysitter?